Loving the Girl in the Mirror

Being confident in my skin was a challenge. At seventeen, I was young, naive, and desiring to be loved. Constantly feeling like the odd one out, I could not join in on the laughter because the joke was about me. I was a braces-clad, lanky-legged sports diva who would have instead spent the day kicking soccer balls rather than making my appearance more presentable. 

I had a love/hate relationship with the girl in the mirror, slowly leading to me falling in “love” with the first boy I had ever dated. Compromising my values and beliefs came quickly and efficiently as I convinced myself that this would be the ONLY guy who would ever notice me. I walked through life as a different person than who my parents raised me to be.

My smile was gone, and the sparkle diminished from my eyes. 

I was giving so much and putting it into the hands of someone who wasn’t reciprocating the gesture. Tiredness should have fueled my desire for change, but it did not. I refused help from those around me who were only trying to speak truth and life into me. My needs came last. I believed this was normal. It was all I had ever known. I was pouring into him as much as I thought I needed to. 

Unaware that it was supposed to go both ways, I was drowning in my self-consciousness and low self-esteem. I kept telling myself that this was love and the best I deserved. We talked about marriage, and I had fully convinced myself I would get that happily ever after cliche that ended all fairy tales. I convinced myself he was my knight in shining armor, but I slowly realized I was the one wearing the armor. Being bruised and battered was an understatement. I was fighting for him when he didn’t care if he lost me. 

My will to fight came from a deep fear that I was going to lose him. This was my one shot at marrying and having that desired ending. This was something that should have ended long before it did. Never try to hold onto something God tells you to let go of. 

I was stubborn and refused to accept the reality that had made itself apparent. 

I was the girl who valued the attention he gave me and the attention I was getting from those around me. My worth came from this relationship. I felt more worthy because I could finally put ‘in a relationship’ on Facebook. This toxic thinking destroyed me. 

I remember the day he had just dropped the ‘I need space’ bomb for the second time; this one, on Christmas Eve. There was no emotion as I walked in the door, no feeling as we stepped outside onto the cold street, and no emotion as I placed the gift he had gotten me a year prior into his calloused hand.

 It felt surreal that I was fixing to go through the same emotional roller-coaster I had already gone through once, at the expense of the same boy. It was my fault, though, and I knew that this time. I had allowed him to say hello again when I should have said goodbye. On our ride home, there were no tears. I was numb. I wanted to talk and yet didn’t at the same time because, at that point, I felt so used that nothing anyone could say could make it better. 

It was realizing that I had allowed myself to be used through that toxic relationship because I didn’t have enough respect for myself to walk away.

That deeply wounded a piece of my heart. My ex made me feel something, something I was sure I would never feel again. I wanted to feel it without all the heartache along the way. I wanted someone to say I love you and mean it. 

Even though it is a constant battle to love the girl in the mirror, this relationship taught me so much. It taught me how to love myself and not place my worth in a guy’s affection. It made me realize what putting my value in the One who created me meant. The One who died on the cross for me because He said, “You’re worth it to me.” The One who holds my heart in His hand like a prized and precious diamond. Jesus Christ. 

If this relationship taught me anything, it was to trust Him and not try to force something He blatantly told me to let go of. 

That girl in the mirror had one person who would always fight for her and love her no matter what. I realized I needed to trust Him and not give someone the power to change who I was. I made many mistakes, but I learned so much about what it meant to love the girl in the mirror. Don’t let yourself fall victim to believing anything less than knowing that you are BEAUTIFUL.

Don’t let yourself believe the lies for as long as I did.