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"The only people who get upset when you set boundaries, are those who benefited from you having none."
There was a time when I had zero self respect for myself. I cared way too much about what other people thought about me. Every word I wrote, deleted. Every word I said, carefully calculated. I people-pleased until I was blue in the face. Having my own views meant nothing to me. I barely knew what that even meant. I lived vicariously through others, truly believing in order to have someone like me, I had to agree with them and make their views my own. This toxic way of living went on for years. I was burnt out, tired, and barely surviving.
I had to remember what it meant to see myself through the eyes of Jesus.
As I left the job of pleasing others, I gained some knowledge of how to break free. Now, this has worked for me. These were great tools/mindsets, but in some ways, you have to figure out what works for you.
Here are my top three tips to break free from people pleasing…..I will do a part two at a later date.
1. Get Comfortable with Saying NO
For a long time, I viewed saying no as being mean or un-kind. My life revolved around doing whatever I could to gain the acceptance and approval of others. Saying yes was my default. My thought process was, in order to gain friends or “fit in,” I had to be willing to compromise my values and morals, which in turn, meant saying yes, even if I wanted desperately to say no. Until I was able to break that chain of toxic thinking, my want to fit in, only left me feeling more isolated and alone. Rewiring my brain took time and I still have days where those thoughts try to sneak back into my psyche.
But getting comfortable with saying no, allowed my life to hold more joy, laughter, and peace, because I had more mental capacity to be present with those I truly wanted to spend time with. I encourage you to take it one step at a time. Get used to saying no and set up healthy boundaries that will allow you to be more present as you live your life. It is not something that you get comfortable with right off the bat. It takes time and consistency. I am not saying you have to say no to EVERYTHING. I am simply saying, set up boundaries and those that truly care about you, will understand.
Keep Your Love On is a great resource that helps guide and give you some type of direction in setting up healthy boundaries.
2. Choose to look INWARD instead of OUTWARD
We are all uniquely made. God instills in us a purpose from the very beginning. As we grow up, we learn what it means to be kind, caring, understanding, ethically sound, etc. I know it sounds cliché, but what is on the inside is completely better than what is on the outside.
The morals we have, come from having a close relationship with Jesus and a desire to live our lives as a reflection of His heartbeat. How we act and what we say, is a direct reflection of who we truly are. Constantly looking outward and trying to always say the right things, or act the way you “think” you are supposed to, only leads to one thing. You lose yourself in the process.
3. Jesus Gave Us the Standard by which to live
Let me start off by saying, we will NEVER be perfect. But Jesus has given the Bible to us as our road-map. He teaches us how to live, how to act, how to speak, and how to treat others. He is the definition of perfection. His lifestyle and direct connection with God, led to the hatred of others because they couldn’t control Him. Even though He knew the purpose of why He was sent down to earth, that didn’t change the way He lived His life. He knew He was going to die a tortuous death, but that didn’t stop Him from preaching the Good News. He didn’t care what other people thought; He didn’t care if they were pleased or not. His only care was about pleasing His Heavenly Father and doing His will.
My mindset shifted when I realized, others will let me down, but Jesus never will. Once that took up residency in my brain, I was able to lead a life filled with health, peace, and lasting friendships. I hope this helps you understand that mindset is everything. Stay tuned into the heart of the Father and you won’t care what else is going on around you. It’s a process, but one that you won’t regret.
This book is a great resource that depicts the personality of Jesus in a light you might not have seen Him in before. It’s called “Beautiful Outlaw.” Jesus shows us what it means to keep our eyes on the Father and understand that pleasing others, will never give us the peace and satisfaction we desperately want. Only He can do that.
“not by the way of eye-service, as people-pleasers, but as bond-servants of Christ, doing the will of God from the heart.”
Ephesians 6:6
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